It's been more than 6 months since I last posted. I guess I got caught up in the I Just Wanna Dance show and meeting Simran and work. I've been having a hard time lately though. My boyfriend has been great. It's been a slow steady pace but I can see a real future with this guy.
I guess lately the problem has been that I feel unnoticed and stuck. That's lame because I've been promoted, the show was a success, and things have been good in my personal life. I feel like a lot of my friends have been disappearing into their own lives. They have all moved on and I'm sitting here. I have to reframe. It's been hard but I know I can do it. I've done it before.
Sometimes it's so easy to fall back into depression. It's hard to stay positive.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
What is normal?
I started dating again after my marriage but the fear was always there. The fear that if I let anyone get too close, that they would figure out that I wasn't as amazing and independent as I put out there and leave me. I was replaced quickly by my ex-husband. Why wouldn't someone else replace me as quickly? Indian men are prone to thinking that all they need to do is financially provide for their significant other and that is good enough. There is nothing like emotional support. There is nothing like emotions. Apparently, we are just supposed to suppress everything we feel and accept that that is just the way it is.
I admit I have a lot of flaws when it comes to the way I am in a relationship (which I am realizing now that I am in one) but being emotional is not a flaw. It allows me to understand and empathize with people better. I have good relationships because of my sensitivity to what others feel. I hate the fact that I repressed a lot of what I felt during most of my marriage. I detached emotionally from my ex completely so that when I finally looked up, I realized that there was nothing left.
The problem now is that I am dating another Indian man. Someone I have been good friends with. And he has good days and bad days. I am at a loss of what to do for him when he has bad days because, as I have learned over the last year, the only person who can change the way you feel is you. Everytime I am upset, I work hard to shift my negative energy into positive energy. And I believe I have gotten better at doing it.
My biggest worry is that my boyfriend is going to figure out that I am not ever going to be some strong independent woman who just is around when he wants. I want a full on relationship where we can rely on each other and depend on the fact that the other will be there. I wonder if this guy can give that to me. He has a lot going on in his own life and I wonder if being with me makes it worse for him or just maybe, am I that one light in his life that helps him keep fighting? I'd like to think that latter. Then I think the only course of action I can take to help him is to let him know I'm there and then back off. Hopefully, he will come to me when he is ready to talk or whatever he wants to do.
This is the problem with the Indian man. What am I supposed to do? I just want him to be happy but I also want him to consider me and my feelings. This guy is one of the more considerate guys I know but he has a tendency to shut down whenever he is upset. And I don't know what to do for him. I wish guys realized that we would take care of them wholeheartedly as long as it is a mutual exchange. No one wants to lose themselves. I personally want to be able to take care of myself and be proud of the strength I have in all I have been through.
I don't know if this blog is where I should be posting anything. I don't know if this will even make a difference anywhere. I just hope that maybe it will give me some understanding of all of the different things I feel on a regular basis. I just want to achieve everything I want and gain some peace and love. Luckily, I am grateful for all of the love I have and do already receive.
Now...towards the future....
I admit I have a lot of flaws when it comes to the way I am in a relationship (which I am realizing now that I am in one) but being emotional is not a flaw. It allows me to understand and empathize with people better. I have good relationships because of my sensitivity to what others feel. I hate the fact that I repressed a lot of what I felt during most of my marriage. I detached emotionally from my ex completely so that when I finally looked up, I realized that there was nothing left.
The problem now is that I am dating another Indian man. Someone I have been good friends with. And he has good days and bad days. I am at a loss of what to do for him when he has bad days because, as I have learned over the last year, the only person who can change the way you feel is you. Everytime I am upset, I work hard to shift my negative energy into positive energy. And I believe I have gotten better at doing it.
My biggest worry is that my boyfriend is going to figure out that I am not ever going to be some strong independent woman who just is around when he wants. I want a full on relationship where we can rely on each other and depend on the fact that the other will be there. I wonder if this guy can give that to me. He has a lot going on in his own life and I wonder if being with me makes it worse for him or just maybe, am I that one light in his life that helps him keep fighting? I'd like to think that latter. Then I think the only course of action I can take to help him is to let him know I'm there and then back off. Hopefully, he will come to me when he is ready to talk or whatever he wants to do.
This is the problem with the Indian man. What am I supposed to do? I just want him to be happy but I also want him to consider me and my feelings. This guy is one of the more considerate guys I know but he has a tendency to shut down whenever he is upset. And I don't know what to do for him. I wish guys realized that we would take care of them wholeheartedly as long as it is a mutual exchange. No one wants to lose themselves. I personally want to be able to take care of myself and be proud of the strength I have in all I have been through.
I don't know if this blog is where I should be posting anything. I don't know if this will even make a difference anywhere. I just hope that maybe it will give me some understanding of all of the different things I feel on a regular basis. I just want to achieve everything I want and gain some peace and love. Luckily, I am grateful for all of the love I have and do already receive.
Now...towards the future....
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2009-2010
The last two years have been some of the most challenging of my life. As a first-generation born in America Indian woman, I was married by the age of 22. And unlike most Indian couples, I was divorced by the age of 28.
I followed the path that I was expected to follow. I went to high school, got good grades, went to college, and chose a practical career. During this time, I also found a guy who was the same nationality and religion as me, dated him, got engaged to him, and married him. I ignored all the warnings that this was a bad relationship. On paper, we looked good.
Four and a half years after we were married, I finally admitted to myself that I was miserable and chose to leave. It was the hardest decision I had to make. Being an Indian woman, you are trained to put yourself last. Your feelings, your thoughts, your needs and wants are put behind everyone else's. So when I first started thinking that I might not be happy in my marriage, I worried about what my family would think, what his family would think, what all our friends would think, what all of the Indian community would think. These thoughts went through my head for a while and I shoved them down, away from the place where I would have to make a choice.
One day, when I was visiting a girlfriend, we were at a restaurant, and my misery hit me so hard that I couldn't stop crying. For two days, we talked of nothing else but what would happen if I left. By the time we finished talking, I made the choice. I was scared of taking that step but there was so much relief when I finally came to terms with what I wanted.
This isn't about what happened when I left my ex-husband. It's not even about what happened after and how our relationship is now. It's about an Indian woman who had the strength to put herself and her happiness first.
When you choose divorce over marriage in our community, you are still going to be labeled and talked about and there are people who will stop talking to you because they do not understand how deep emotions can run. I knew this and spent a year in the company of people who I knew would not judge me. I avoided anything where I would be around people who could possibly even say something about me. This is where I found out how much friendship can mean. My friends saved me from myself. I look at myself now and even when I have bad days, I am much better than I was at any time last year. I am amazed at how much I have changed and how much stronger and more intuitive I have become.
At the same time, stepping off the chosen path leads one to question everything about her life. I don't know where my life is supposed to go. But one thing I hope to do is to let people know my story. I still struggle with pushing forward but I am doing it. The other goal I have it to help Indian women understand how to respect themselves. I feel as though a lot of Indian women still keep their feelings buried to keep the peace. I feel as though they believe that they don't have another choice. I don't encourage divorce because now I know how devstating it is and how much of yourself you lose when you go through it. But whether we are alone, in a relationship, or at any other point in our lives, we have to learn to respect ourselves, our beliefs, and our opinions. We are allowed to want, to need. And we are definitely allowed to chase our happiness.
I followed the path that I was expected to follow. I went to high school, got good grades, went to college, and chose a practical career. During this time, I also found a guy who was the same nationality and religion as me, dated him, got engaged to him, and married him. I ignored all the warnings that this was a bad relationship. On paper, we looked good.
Four and a half years after we were married, I finally admitted to myself that I was miserable and chose to leave. It was the hardest decision I had to make. Being an Indian woman, you are trained to put yourself last. Your feelings, your thoughts, your needs and wants are put behind everyone else's. So when I first started thinking that I might not be happy in my marriage, I worried about what my family would think, what his family would think, what all our friends would think, what all of the Indian community would think. These thoughts went through my head for a while and I shoved them down, away from the place where I would have to make a choice.
One day, when I was visiting a girlfriend, we were at a restaurant, and my misery hit me so hard that I couldn't stop crying. For two days, we talked of nothing else but what would happen if I left. By the time we finished talking, I made the choice. I was scared of taking that step but there was so much relief when I finally came to terms with what I wanted.
This isn't about what happened when I left my ex-husband. It's not even about what happened after and how our relationship is now. It's about an Indian woman who had the strength to put herself and her happiness first.
When you choose divorce over marriage in our community, you are still going to be labeled and talked about and there are people who will stop talking to you because they do not understand how deep emotions can run. I knew this and spent a year in the company of people who I knew would not judge me. I avoided anything where I would be around people who could possibly even say something about me. This is where I found out how much friendship can mean. My friends saved me from myself. I look at myself now and even when I have bad days, I am much better than I was at any time last year. I am amazed at how much I have changed and how much stronger and more intuitive I have become.
At the same time, stepping off the chosen path leads one to question everything about her life. I don't know where my life is supposed to go. But one thing I hope to do is to let people know my story. I still struggle with pushing forward but I am doing it. The other goal I have it to help Indian women understand how to respect themselves. I feel as though a lot of Indian women still keep their feelings buried to keep the peace. I feel as though they believe that they don't have another choice. I don't encourage divorce because now I know how devstating it is and how much of yourself you lose when you go through it. But whether we are alone, in a relationship, or at any other point in our lives, we have to learn to respect ourselves, our beliefs, and our opinions. We are allowed to want, to need. And we are definitely allowed to chase our happiness.
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