The last two years have been some of the most challenging of my life. As a first-generation born in America Indian woman, I was married by the age of 22. And unlike most Indian couples, I was divorced by the age of 28.
I followed the path that I was expected to follow. I went to high school, got good grades, went to college, and chose a practical career. During this time, I also found a guy who was the same nationality and religion as me, dated him, got engaged to him, and married him. I ignored all the warnings that this was a bad relationship. On paper, we looked good.
Four and a half years after we were married, I finally admitted to myself that I was miserable and chose to leave. It was the hardest decision I had to make. Being an Indian woman, you are trained to put yourself last. Your feelings, your thoughts, your needs and wants are put behind everyone else's. So when I first started thinking that I might not be happy in my marriage, I worried about what my family would think, what his family would think, what all our friends would think, what all of the Indian community would think. These thoughts went through my head for a while and I shoved them down, away from the place where I would have to make a choice.
One day, when I was visiting a girlfriend, we were at a restaurant, and my misery hit me so hard that I couldn't stop crying. For two days, we talked of nothing else but what would happen if I left. By the time we finished talking, I made the choice. I was scared of taking that step but there was so much relief when I finally came to terms with what I wanted.
This isn't about what happened when I left my ex-husband. It's not even about what happened after and how our relationship is now. It's about an Indian woman who had the strength to put herself and her happiness first.
When you choose divorce over marriage in our community, you are still going to be labeled and talked about and there are people who will stop talking to you because they do not understand how deep emotions can run. I knew this and spent a year in the company of people who I knew would not judge me. I avoided anything where I would be around people who could possibly even say something about me. This is where I found out how much friendship can mean. My friends saved me from myself. I look at myself now and even when I have bad days, I am much better than I was at any time last year. I am amazed at how much I have changed and how much stronger and more intuitive I have become.
At the same time, stepping off the chosen path leads one to question everything about her life. I don't know where my life is supposed to go. But one thing I hope to do is to let people know my story. I still struggle with pushing forward but I am doing it. The other goal I have it to help Indian women understand how to respect themselves. I feel as though a lot of Indian women still keep their feelings buried to keep the peace. I feel as though they believe that they don't have another choice. I don't encourage divorce because now I know how devstating it is and how much of yourself you lose when you go through it. But whether we are alone, in a relationship, or at any other point in our lives, we have to learn to respect ourselves, our beliefs, and our opinions. We are allowed to want, to need. And we are definitely allowed to chase our happiness.
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