I started dating again after my marriage but the fear was always there. The fear that if I let anyone get too close, that they would figure out that I wasn't as amazing and independent as I put out there and leave me. I was replaced quickly by my ex-husband. Why wouldn't someone else replace me as quickly? Indian men are prone to thinking that all they need to do is financially provide for their significant other and that is good enough. There is nothing like emotional support. There is nothing like emotions. Apparently, we are just supposed to suppress everything we feel and accept that that is just the way it is.
I admit I have a lot of flaws when it comes to the way I am in a relationship (which I am realizing now that I am in one) but being emotional is not a flaw. It allows me to understand and empathize with people better. I have good relationships because of my sensitivity to what others feel. I hate the fact that I repressed a lot of what I felt during most of my marriage. I detached emotionally from my ex completely so that when I finally looked up, I realized that there was nothing left.
The problem now is that I am dating another Indian man. Someone I have been good friends with. And he has good days and bad days. I am at a loss of what to do for him when he has bad days because, as I have learned over the last year, the only person who can change the way you feel is you. Everytime I am upset, I work hard to shift my negative energy into positive energy. And I believe I have gotten better at doing it.
My biggest worry is that my boyfriend is going to figure out that I am not ever going to be some strong independent woman who just is around when he wants. I want a full on relationship where we can rely on each other and depend on the fact that the other will be there. I wonder if this guy can give that to me. He has a lot going on in his own life and I wonder if being with me makes it worse for him or just maybe, am I that one light in his life that helps him keep fighting? I'd like to think that latter. Then I think the only course of action I can take to help him is to let him know I'm there and then back off. Hopefully, he will come to me when he is ready to talk or whatever he wants to do.
This is the problem with the Indian man. What am I supposed to do? I just want him to be happy but I also want him to consider me and my feelings. This guy is one of the more considerate guys I know but he has a tendency to shut down whenever he is upset. And I don't know what to do for him. I wish guys realized that we would take care of them wholeheartedly as long as it is a mutual exchange. No one wants to lose themselves. I personally want to be able to take care of myself and be proud of the strength I have in all I have been through.
I don't know if this blog is where I should be posting anything. I don't know if this will even make a difference anywhere. I just hope that maybe it will give me some understanding of all of the different things I feel on a regular basis. I just want to achieve everything I want and gain some peace and love. Luckily, I am grateful for all of the love I have and do already receive.
Now...towards the future....
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